Thursday, April 2, 2026

Chris

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review – 1 out of 5 Stars

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I really, really wanted to hate this movie. Every trailer that was released for the movie made it look stupid, obnoxious and clichéd. And don’t get me wrong, this film is very stupid, obnoxious and clichéd. In a way, this movie does represent a lot of what is wrong with blockbusters today. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a terrible movie. Alas, I can’t bring myself to emit any amount of passion or care towards anything that happened in this extremely forgettable and lifeless movie.

A greedy billionaire/scientist (William Fichtner) and an evil ninja master named Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) plan do something bad I guess and it’s up to a 4 genetically modified turtles with super strength and a reporter lady (Megan Fox) to stop them from doing that bad thing that were supposed to not want to happen.

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That’s a horrible synopsis for this movie but that summary is about the amount of energy and heart that went into making this script. All of the turtles have their thing that they are supposed add to the group, one of them is the leader, one of them is the rebel, one of them is the nerd and one of them is the comedic relief. They shout there one liners, say bland and one dimensional things there stereotype would say and fail miserably to release any form of emotion from the audience towards what is happening to anyone. I can’t judge the television or any of the films because I sadly haven’t watched any of them but simply judging the characters from this movie they come off with the amount of charm of four different pieces of cardboard. It’s been a while since I’ve seen main characters this shallow and vague. A lot of this could be because of how terrible the humor is. The movie lays all of its chips on the “awesome” one liners and jokes they make throughout and not one, I repeat, not one of these jokes was funny. At the end, the point of the movie was to show how much of a family they are and how the problem was solved through their friendship but the relationship between the brothers is so artificial and that theme has been done so much better that I imagine that it took them a whole two seconds to throw that into the script haphazardly at the end there.

April O’Neil is an almost equally lifeless lead. Despite being the person were supposed to relate to, I never got invested in anything that was happening to her because I’m sure as hell the writers really didn’t put a lot of hard work into making that character original and inventive. Megan Fox injects no energy or wit or compassion into anything that she says and she isn’t helped by how the character mostly serves as the disposable (not that she’s the only character who is disposable in this movie) human character to keep us grounded to all of the “wacky” stuff that is happening. She also seems to be serving as the stereotypical blockbuster hot girl so I guess that kills two birds with one stone for the hack writers.

This is the motives of our villains, they want to release a lethal gas into the skies of the city and then the businessman will release a vaccine to the public made from the turtle blood that will cure this lethal gas and he will make a ton of money. There is so much sh*t that is wrong with this plan that I can’t even begin to fathom how this would be able to be pulled off. The reason why any of these villains would do any of this is poorly explained. A mess doesn’t even begin to describe how much bad this conflict is. There is no reality where this plan could possibly work and yet we the audience are supposed to buy this and care about what is about to happen. And so much stupid stuff has to happen and does happen to make this plan come into place. But let’s keep going because I think my heads going to explode Scanners style if I keep thinking about it.

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The visual effects are the worst I’ve seen this year. Last week I saw a giant living tree and a raccoon hang out in Guardians of the Galaxy and the visual effects were so good and original that I bought it emotionally and visually. You know those online pictures of how some animated characters would look in real life? And usually they look horrifying; this movie seems to face the exact same problem with how to adapt animated characters without coming off as creepy. The effects for the turtles and for their giant rat sensei named Splinter come off as though they were trying to be wacky and realistic at the same time and that leads to character designs that are thoroughly grotesque. I was genuinely freaked out the first time Splinter comes on screen, and you’re not supposed to feel that way, his effects are really that abysmal. The 3D itself is gimmicky and leaves you with your eyes hurting and the action is shot with quick cuts, shaky cam and all the other stuff you’d expect to come from poorly made action movies that are seemingly built to give the audience a headache afterwards. There is not an ounce of style, originality or quality to come out of this movie visually.

The climax is so poorly shot, poorly written and thoroughly lacking in momentum that I actually felt numb watching it. It was as though my mind shut itself off and I could only watch in complete awe of how lifeless and emotionless this entire film felt to me. And in that moment, I realized why there are so many people that seem to like enjoy this movie. This is not the kind of movie that deserves repeat viewings. You will not remember this film with any nostalgia or excitement as the years go by. I can’t even say that you will hate it passionately afterwards, all of things I hate about this movie I’ve seen done far worse in many other films. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might be one of the blandest, forgettable, stupid and disposable things I’ve watched in recent memory. If you want a movie that asks no deep questions, results in no bold or incredible emotion of any kind, features no interesting aspects or cool characters and leaves no trace in your mind, this is the bare minimum of entertainment that you are looking for. I can’t bring myself to hate this movie because there is nothing about this movie that is worth remembering even while you’re watching it.

Rating:[star rating=”1″ numeric=”yes”]

Review by: Ryan M.

Release Date: 4/4/2014

Rating: PG-13

Cast: Megan Fox, Will Arnett and William Fichtner

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman

Written by: Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec and Evan Daugherty

Based on the characters created by: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)*

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TITLE: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (aka. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3D)

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: PG-13

Darkness has settled over New York City as Shredder and his evil Foot Clan have an iron grip on everything from the police to the politicians.

What did you think of this film?


Official Site

Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? Yes

during the credits
We see Michelangelo and Raphael jumping through New York and hide in a Victoria Secret billboard.

 

After Credits? No

NOTE: In Memoriam: Jack Mongovan (ILM Years: 1981—2014)

Watch the credits here!

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Hundred-Foot Journey, The (2014)

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TITLE: The Hundred-Foot Journey

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: PG

The Kadam family clashes with Madame Mallory, proprietress of a celebrated French restaurant, after they open their own nearby eatery, until undeniable chemistry causes the Madame to take gifted young chef Hassan under her wing.

What did you think of this film?


IMDb


During Credits? No

After Credits? No

Into the Storm (2014)

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TITLE: Into the Storm

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: PG-13

Storm trackers, thrill-seekers, and everyday townspeople document an unprecedented onslaught of tornadoes touching down in the town of Silverton.

What did you think of this film?


Official Site

Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? No

After Credits? No

Step Up All In (2014)*

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TITLE: Step Up All In (aka. Step Up All In 3D)

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: PG-13

All-stars from the previous Step Up installments come together in glittering Las Vegas, battling for a victory that could define their dreams and their careers.

What did you think of this film?


Official Site

Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? Yes

during the credits
Bloopers and outtakes are shown.

 

After Credits? No

Is this stinger worth waiting around for? NoYes (No Ratings Yet)
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Special thanks to Evn T. for this submission

[wpolling_archive id=”16″ vote=”true” type=”open”]

What If (2013)*

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TITLE: What If

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: PG-13

Wallace, who is burned out from a string of failed relationships, forms an instant bond with Chantry, who lives with her longtime boyfriend. Together, they puzzle out what it means if your best friend is also the love of your life.

What did you think of this film?


Official Site

Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? Yes

during the credits
A portion of the animated bits at the start of the credits show how Wallace and Chantry both went off to Taiwan, and later to India where Wallace proposed.

 

After Credits? No

Is this stinger worth waiting around for? NoYes (No Ratings Yet)
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Dog, The (2013)?

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TITLE: The Dog

RELEASE DATE: 10/1/2013

RATING: NR

A documentary portrait of the late John Wojtowicz, whose attempted robbery of a Brooklyn bank to finance his male lover’s sex-reassignment surgery was the real-life inspiration for Dog Day Afternoon (1975).

What did you think of this film?


Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? Unknown

during the credits
No information at this time

 

After Credits? Unknown

after the credits
No information at this time

Is this stinger worth waiting around for? NoYes (No Ratings Yet)
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About Alex (2014)

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TITLE: About Alex

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: R

When a group of old college friends reunite over a long weekend after one of them attempts suicide, old crushes and resentments shine light on their life decisions, and ultimately push friendships and relationships to the brink.

What did you think of this film?


Official Site

Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? No

After Credits? No

Deepsea Challenge 3D (2014)

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TITLE: Deepsea Challenge 3D (aka. James Cameron’s Deepsea Challenge 3D)

RELEASE DATE: 8/8/2014

RATING: PG

A 3D documentary chronicling filmmaker James Cameron’s diving expeditions in his Deepsea Challenger submarine.

What did you think of this film?


Official Site

Amazon

IMDb


During Credits? No

After Credits? No

NOTE: Dedicated to the memory of Andrew Wight and Mike deGruy.

Guardians of the Galaxy Review – 4 out of 5 Stars

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In recent months, I have been quite critical of the Disney film side of Marvel. With the recent firing of master filmmaker Edgar Wright from Ant-Man, I have realized that the biggest problem with Marvel is that all of these movies seem to feature the same tone and general safety. Disney Marvel may have a better critical track record than recent DC but at the same time I don’t think Marvel will ever be able to make something like The Dark Knight trilogy because they often play way too close to the center of the box. I don’t think they make terrible movies (with the exception of Thor: The Dark World which is garbage) but not since Iron Man have they made a movie that has necessarily blown me away.

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Moving on to the situation at hand, Guardians of the Galaxy has plenty of the clichés of the other movies of the franchise and of action today as a whole, yet there is so much energy, excitement, style and fun to be found here that it all comes off as extremely charming so much that the moves stands as my 2nd favorite Disney Marvel film to Iron Man.

A thief named Star Lord (Peter Quill) finds an orb that could be used to destroy the whole world and he must team up with a group of misfits including a talking raccoon named Rocket Raccoon and a talking tree named Groot as well as a strong madman named Drax and an assassin named Gamora to keep the orb in the right hands.

The first great choice the film makes is in the fantastic cast. Chris Pratt gives an exceptional action lead performance. Like Iron Man, Star Lord has a lot of humor in the character and Chris Pratt has enough charisma as an actor to be able to give energy to the comedic requirements. Also like Iron Man, the character still manages to be dark and human and Chris Pratt did both things extremely well whether he was making a joke or doing a serious line. Star Lord never came off as obnoxiously loud and upbeat but he never came off as dull and uninspired like so many action protagonists I’ve seen this year. Zoe Saldana did a good job of playing the female assassin Gamora and she played well off of the antics of the other actors. I don’t think that she is as good in this as she was in say either Star Trek or Avatar but she serves the purpose of the character fine and she never felt like dead weight. Dave Bautista was loud and intense enough to play the insane alien Drax in a role that feels like it was built around the actor himself. All of the human characters have great actors who did fine for the parts and Chris Pratt continues to show us why he is one of the more interesting comedy actors working today.

I do have to conclude that the best characters of the movie are in fact the CGI ones. Rocket Raccoon and Groot are two of the most interesting characters to come out of blockbusters all year and they alone deserve to give the film a nomination for best visual effects. Rocket is brilliantly voiced by Bradley Cooper and he does so well that it never feels distracting that he is played by such a huge actor. The character also got some of the best lines of the movie and managed to be really compelling in the more dramatic scenes especially as the film went into the 2nd act. Groot does not have many lines in the film beyond constantly saying I am Groot (while being voiced by Vin Diesel) yet all the same Vin Diesel makes the character very poignant and sympathetic with the few lines he is given. Also because of fantastic visual effects, Groot is given a ton of emotions while saying very little because of the detail and the texture done by the team behind the creation of him. Groot is layered, funny, and compassionate and the best character in the entire film.

The 2nd great thing that this film did was hiring director James Gunn. I have not seen anything this director has done but by the first shot it becomes clear that they did not hire a hack to make this film. He adds as much personality and style as you can with these movies. He gives the film a fantastic soundtrack filled such great music and the way that he adds the soundtrack to the story is done really well and leads to an amazing scene near the end. I have a soft spot for the usage of older music in modern movies (American Hustle, Django Unchained, and Seven Psychopaths) and the way this film used that sort of thing was more than impressive. Needless to say, the visual effects are the best I’ve seen of any movie this year built in with the amazing cinematography. The movie hits a lot of things that I look for in visual effects. They use the effects to create unique characters, the world they built is detailed and the design has a focus on originality and beauty. I get impressed by things like Transformers and Godzilla but it takes true craft to create such an ambitious and visually stunning setting as they have done here. Unlike Thor, this movie is colorful and built on a grand and gripping place that is hard to find in most other movies today. This is by far the most well directed of any of the movies Disney Marvel has released to date and the creative range that they gave everyone working on this movie definitely shows.

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I said above that the movie is very clichéd. Don’t get me wrong on all the praise I’ve given it, this movie has a ton of problems. Most of the musical score that isn’t the soundtrack is very normal and the characters have a lot of stereotypes. The death of Star Lord’s mother isn’t done with a particular nuance that makes the age old idea feel inventive and the movie features one sided villains, a speech that brings the team back together again and a story that is quite predictable. This movie features just as much story problems as Captain America, Thor or The Avengers but here is the difference. The best example I can relate to is the recent Doctor Who series. That show features a trope filled storyline yet the characters are so interesting and fun to watch and the world they create is so fascinating and layered that not only is it really entertaining but in its own way it becomes surprisingly touching by the end of it all. Yeah it’s got problems, but there is a lot of confidence in the performances and in the director and it’s all being done with such a high level of talent and competence that you can’t help but get invested in the adrenaline of it all up to a point where I got goose bumps at a few points near the end.

This film is extremely problematic and I have no doubt that this franchise will eventually get run into the ground and the charm of the film will be lost by Disney. Yet, I walked away from this movie rather happy for many reasons. This is the most visually ambitious film I’ve seen from Disney Marvel and all of the acting and comedy is fantastic. You will get dragged into this movie because of the high level of energy that comes from every aspect. Guardians of the Galaxy is a nice, refreshing piece of entertainment through and through.

Rating:[star rating=”4″ numeric=”yes”]

Review by: Ryan M.

Release Date: 4/4/2014

Rating: PG-13

Cast: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper, Lee Pace, Michael Rooker, Karen Gillan, Djimon Hounsou, John C. Reilly, Glenn Close and Benicio del Toro

Directed by: James Gunn

Screenplay by: James Gunn

Written by: James Gunn and Nicole Perlman

Based on the Comic Book by: Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning